Once upon a time, my Shaggy Soup Story Contest was a complete flop. ...In spite of (let's be honest here) the really irresistible challenge of writing a shaggy soup story; in spite of the opportunity to become a published author on a pretty hot soupsong website; in spite of the tantalyzing promise of prizes; in spite of all these things, the days of March clicked by...and not one submission to the Shaggy Soup Story Contest. Not one.
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Shaggy Soup Stories
(e-SoupSong 36: April 1, 2003)
ONCE UPON A TIME, my Shaggy Soup Story Contest was a complete flop.
I mean, did you ever get so focused on something that you lost all perspective on how other people might be filling their days? In spite of (let's be honest here) the really irresistible challenge of writing a shaggy soup story; in spite of the opportunity to become a published author on a pretty hot soupsong website; in spite of the tantalyzing promise of prizes; in spite of all these things, the days of March clicked by...and not one submission to the Shaggy Soup Story Contest. Not one. I finally begged a friend (who understandably prefers to remain anonymous) and threatened a co-worker (ditto). Voila, three authentic entries. The rest are mine, disguised, of course, under appropriate noms de plumes. Eric and John, prizes are on the way!
SHAGGY SOUP STORY #1 by "Etta Long"
My husband and I spend many hours every day preparing meals for our three darling pooches. They all love soup, and we do our best to cater to their national tastes.
SHAGGY SOUP STORY #2 by "Historianus in extremis"
Enroute to the latest international culinary competition, the plane carrying master chefs and competition judges Mario, Jacques, Pierre, and Paul crashed into the deepest darkest jungles. Staggering out of the wreck of their plane, the rotund referees were quickly captured and tied up by the locals who had seen the plane go down. They were escorted towards a large campfire with an enormous pot hanging over a crackling fire.
OKAY, I THINK YOU NEED A BREAK. Here are some shaggy soup brain-building exercises:
Q: Why did the chicken from the Bronx cross the road to get to the factory on the other side?
Q: What did the Russian entrepreneur say when he had enough money to buy a hot car?
Q: What do you say to a flamenco dancer who sneezes during a performance?
Q: What does a Greek school child say when she's trying to run through the alphabet quickly?
There, feeling better? Okay, back to the mind-numbing shaggy soup stories.
SHAGGY SOUP STORY #3 by "I. Rhoda Buss"
Jack always dreamed of becoming an astronaut, a pilot, a race car driver, the getaway guy in a bank robbery, anyone who made a living by going fast. But he was destined for a placid life. In the fullness of time, he finished school, married his childhood sweetheart, got a steady job with the Campbell's Soup factory in town, and settled down to a full and happy life raising kids and raising backyard tomatoes. Trouble was, in the back of his mind, he'd rather be raising eyebrows...and raising Cain. One fateful day he got a call from the foreman. "I need a driver for a special shipment of chicken stock, Jack," he said. "Can you do it?" "You bet I can." And from that day forward, Jack was off the plant floor and flooring the gas pedal for special soup deliveries in town. Bit by bit, he accelerated into a life on the edge. If he was out on the open road, he'd swing into the left lane and bear down on daydreaming Wonder Bread delivery trucks. If he was stopped at a light, with a Krispy Kreme donut truck next to him, he'd wink at the driver and off they'd go, even though he always lost because of the weight of all those cans of chicken stock in the back of the car. It made him crazy. He couldn't get enough of the fast lane. One day he pulled next to a Heinz truck at a red light. It was packed to the gills with beef stock. "What's the beef?" he yelled. "Up yours, you big chicken," the driver replied. And from that point on it was a death match, right to the point that Jack lost control and ran his car off the Tallahatchie Bridge, plunging his 2000 cans of chicken soup into the river below. It was a scandal and a mess. For weeks afterwards, fishermen reported that they were catching fish who breached the water clucking. The town hushed it up as much as possible. Sheriff Johnson said he had no comment to make on the investigation except, well, except that he sure thought it proved what he always said, that no good could ever come of stock car racing.
SHAGGY SOUP STORY #4 by "The Natural Workings of a Fevered Mind"
A dour and cold police officer knocked on the apartment door. The young woman knew immediately that the news was bad. "Ma’...am," he stuttered, "her...her...her last words were 'They must be fresh. They will be fresh.' The locals said she just kept diving through that hole she had chopped." "We haven’t found her yet," he continued, "it's been hours. The only thing left is that pile of male blues on top of the chunks of ice. What could she have been doing?"
"D ...d ...dinner. Seven-courses." the daughter cursed, shivering in the doorway. "That damned 'she-crab' bisque. Why did she always insist on it in the winter?" Shaking from grief and cold she slowly closed the door. As he turned, the officer heard her mutter, "Her parties always had to go from soup to nuts."
SHAGGY SOUP STORY #5 by "Lucy in disguise with dyed mints"
Farmer Jones was in need of a hired hand. His farm was big; he was getting old; too many animals to care for and most of them temperamental.
Ouch. I apologize.
The very least I can do at this point is send you away with an April Fool's Day soup recipe that is guaranteed to surprise your kids, your family, your guests and, well, really, anyone at all.
SURPRISE "CANNED" CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP FOR 2
4 cups water
1. Bring the water and sugar to a high boil in a large saucepan, add the noodles, reduce heat to medium and overcook, uncovered, for 20 or so minutes, until they are bloated and whitish, as they look in a can of Campbells chicken noodle soup. Drain and reserve.
Wishing you an April Fool's Day filled with mischief,
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NEXT MONTH: Alfred Hitchcock's Cinematic Soup